My story is one of loss, God’s grace and the gift of a beautiful baby boy. May of 2016 was a month of incredible loss for me. My younger brother collapsed and 17 hours later passed away unexpectedly, at the age of 21, at his college graduation, leaving me with so many questions for God.
‘Why would you take someone so young that was doing so much good in the world?’ ‘Why after all of our prayers for him to be healed and trust that you would, did you still take him?’
The following weeks only lead to more questions for God as I found out I was pregnant.
I can remember every detail of that day as I looked down at a positive pregnancy test with every fear imaginable racing through my mind. I can hear the harsh words that stung like a knife from my baby’s dad as he told me that we had to go to the abortion clinic immediately. In his mind there was no other option. We didn’t have good jobs and were still in college. We couldn’t raise a baby together.
His words only got worse when he realized that I wasn’t going to let him take me to the clinic. ‘So you want to keep this child and do this all on your own? You’re going to ruin this child’s life if you go through with this.
I drove home that day in tears, scared to death to tell my parents who were grieving the loss of their son, that now their unmarried daughter was pregnant. Satan filled my mind with every horrid thought you could imagine on that drive. I have always been pro life and strong in my beliefs, but I never thought I would have to face a situation like this one.
I didn’t understand God’s timing.
It felt like a bad dream that I would wake up from any minute. Why of all years, of all months, why now? My parents amazed me with the love of Jesus when I told them. We all cried and they reminded me of God’s perfect timing. It was so incredibly hard for me to see it then but it is so clear now, a year later.
The first few months of my pregnancy, I cried rivers. My baby’s father made it very clear to not contact him ever again and that he wanted nothing to do with me or his soon to be baby. I began my last semester of college, feeling so alone. I knew that I had made the right decision but the fears were still coming at me from every direction.
God gave me unbelievable strength and determination. I finished my last semester of college with the best GPA out of all of my previous years. I was amazed. Beginning my semester, I thought there was no way that I was going to get through it, but I did. Every test that came back with a good grade and every doctors appointment with great news nestled me closer into the arms of Jesus. He was in control and I felt it more and more each day.
I graduated with so much excitement, knowing that very soon I would be holding my baby boy in my arms. My church family stood by me every step since my pregnancy announcement and I clung to them tightly.
They whispered words of grace when all I felt was shame.
As my due date quickly approached, I was in awe of how God was working everything together perfectly. I can honesty say that through that season, I felt closer to God than I ever had before. On the hard days, He gifted me with kicks and hiccups from my baby boy right when I needed them.
Delivery came early and lasted a very long 34 hours. Throughout every complication I faced in the delivery room, God reminded us that He was there and that my baby was in His hands. We prayed, cried, listened to worship music and smiled at the thought of holding him in our arms.
When I was finally able to look into my son’s beautiful blue eyes, I felt love that I didn’t know was possible. I realized in that moment that this baby saved my family. He saved me from an extreme depression that I could have fallen into after my brother had passed away. One of my biggest prayers during my pregnancy was that my son would have traits that reminded me of my brother and that prayer was answered. Not only was it answered in his looks but in his strong opinions as well.
Looking back on the hardest year of my life, I can stand here today smiling.
I smile at all of the hardships that I overcame. I did it! Every hardship was worth the precious gift of life that I now cuddle in my arms everyday. I can’t imagine life without my beautiful son. He is my constant joy; a gift that I often feel so unworthy of because of how perfect he is. The support that I have amazes me more and more everyday.
I know this journey will always be hard as a single mom but I will fight everyday to give my son the best life that he deserves.
He will grow up knowing that while he may never know his earthly father, His heavenly Father will always be enough. Living without an earthly father will never define him. His heavenly Father has immeasurable plans for his life.
This true story was submitted to us by Kayley S.