My husband and I were sitting in the doctor’s office ready to discuss my blood work when it happened. I found out I had O Negative blood a couple days before, and we researched and prepared for what that meant for the pregnancy, and our sweet little guy. But that’s not what the doctor brought up.
“Your blood work came back and you tested positive for Down syndrome.”
I processed what the doctor said and then mentally shut down. I needed more time to digest this. The doctor finally left the room, and I look up at my husband. “I’m sorry” – that’s all I can think to say and it’s really what I feel. I feel like I did this to my sweet baby, and am putting my husband through a trial that i’m sure is intended for me only.
Because well, I’ve done a lot of wrong things, that should result in trial. Hard things happen to people that deserve them right? Karma and all that cosmic universe stuff. But my sweet husband doesn’t deserve this. He is all that is right and good in the world. So I’m sorry. Over and over again that’s all I say…. “Sorry.”
The doctor asks if we want to see the baby. Surprisingly this is hard hear because he never asked me if I wanted an ultrasound before, but now that my baby was going to have Down syndrome, the doctor began giving us lots of different choices he hadn’t before.
I think back to the heartache I went through because I couldn’t get pregnant. So I say yes, I want to see. We see him and I am so glad he is mine. I am terrified, yes, and worried I won’t be good enough for him. But I decide I don’t want what everyone thinks is a perfect baby.
I’m not mourning a loss, and I have no right to. I get my baby. He is mine, and I only want him, and to us, he is perfect.