“The reason I chose a family for Kaylee is BECAUSE I loved her so much.”
WHEN MY ADOPTION STORY BEGAN, I was pretty much your typical college student, getting into a bit of trouble, and enjoying my newly found freedom apart from my strict Christian home. My father, whom I had always felt was a bit overprotective, was a deacon in the church. College was my chance to do all the things I hadn’t been able to do, growing up in a house with a lot of rules and expectations. The time I wasn’t studying, I spent having fun, partying, and getting to know people; the boys included. At the time, I assumed it was all harmless fun since after all, it’s what everyone did during college.
I spent several of those first months making up for lost time but knew at some point I would have to get a job. I ended up getting hired for a typical sales position at Dillard’s Department Store working in the clothing section. I got transferred to the children’s clothing section which I loved seeing all the toddlers and the baby clothes. It made me excited to put together little outfits for my own child someday.
It wasn’t long before I stopped partying and began getting my life together, it felt like a natural progression. Everything began shaping up naturally for me, when one day during work it hit me, “maybe I’m pregnant.” Nervously, I purchased a pregnancy test from the local drug store, and to both my shock and utter bewilderment, “it was positive.” I had no idea what to do and, “What would my parents think?”
The thoughts enveloped my mind as I began to forecast the future through my head in rapid successive ways. “What am I going to do, marry the guy?” No. I couldn’t see that working out. Scrambling, for options I landed on my next and only other viable option, abortion.
As much as I couldn’t fathom the idea, it was literally the only option I was aware of.
The next day I started calling abortion clinics to schedule a procedure. I talked with the receptionist at an abortion clinic over 30 miles away and she told me in order to get the procedure I had to provide them with “proof of pregnancy.” So I went to a nearby clinic to get my very first ultrasound. The idea of getting an ultrasound and the first look at my child made me both nervous and excited. It was during this first ultrasound that I discovered I was already 13 weeks pregnant.
I knew deep down that I could never go through with an abortion. I went home that day more confused than I had been.
A friend of mine who I confided in about my pregnancy knew how much I was struggling, and went behind my back to tell my mom I was pregnant. My mom came up to me that night and asked what was going on. She told me she spoke to a friend of mine, which meant the cat was out of the bag. I broke down in tears and began pouring out my heart to her and telling her everything I had been hiding. It gave me a sense of relief just knowing that I didn’t have to keep this enormous secret to myself any longer. That night my mom brought up adoption.
“Adoption?” I couldn’t fathom it, but in all honesty, I didn’t really know much about it.
What I did know was that even the thought of it made me angry. “You expect me to go through 9 months of pregnancy and simply hand over my baby?” I was infuriated, and I was skeptical, but I was stuck. It forced me to take a long hard look at the option of adoption. Over the next few days, that was all I could think about, and the more I considered it, the more peace I had with it in my heart. My daughter could have a forever family who wanted her and would love her the way she deserved to be loved.
By the week’s end, I had all but made up my mind, “I am going to choose adoption.”
Over the next few months, my pregnancy was becoming painfully obvious to everyone. People even tried to convince me not to go through with my decision to adopt. I had to get away, so I decided to move out of my parent’s house.
The day I started packing was the day I finally told my father about being pregnant. I simply couldn’t bare hiding it from him anymore. “If he hates me, he hates me,” I thought. But to my amazement, he was so kind and comforting. He told me how upsetting it was to know that I’d been going through this alone and that he was sorry I felt like I couldn’t come to him with this.
It comforted me knowing I had his support.
Time passed and I got connected with an adoption agency. An adoption counselor walked me through the open adoption process. It just felt right to me. I couldn’t fathom not being able to know how my daughter was doing or to tell her that I loved her. After going through profiles and pictures of couples looking to adopt, one couple stuck out more than the others that gave me that peace inside again. I showed my parents and they agreed that they were the right couple. The father was an Olympics trainer and the mother was a math tutor, which was perfect since I’m terrible at math. I just knew it was meant to be.
A couple of months later, I had my daughter, Kaylee. We had a dedication ceremony for my daughter along with her new family which really helped me with the transition. Everything felt right, and I saw God’s hand orchestrating the entire process.
I still have frequent contact with my daughter, Kaylee, because even though I chose adoption for my daughter I am still a mom.
We recently visited the park and zoo together and it’s wonderful to still have that connection.
Today, I help others who are considering making the decision of adoption and I see it as such a blessing every day. It’s important to have faith and believe in the choice you’re making, always listening to your heart and that still small voice that tells you that life is the right choice.
Life’s About Choice